Mama Health: Motivation for Self-care

Before we moved, life was complicated. My spouse was working in a non-accepting environment and I dreaded going to church every Sunday. But apart from that, I had never felt so healthy in all my life. My marriage was amazing, my parenting relationship to my kids was being transformed more and more, my confidence was growing by the day it seemed.


Since moving I’ve felt it slip a little. Moving is exhausting, and sometimes I was less than the parent I wanted to be. The week we came out to family, my body freaked out. I had sores in my mouth, and came down with the worst case of mastitis I’ve ever had. Telling family about the parts of our life that we knew they would not understand, was scary and exhausting. Under the following barrage of negativity, I found myself slipping some more.


How could I dare to be honest about things that family would be distressed by, wasn’t it selfish for me to refuse to pretend anymore? I suddenly started having days where I hated my body again, something that hasn’t happened in over a year. I started letting more and more time go by in-between showers, sometimes I realized towards the end of the day that I hadn’t really eaten yet. I think subconsciously I felt like I did not deserve care. It is still far too easy for me to slip into the old patterns of thought, after all I lived there for years, telling myself those lies.

You are a bad person.

You are not good enough to deserve love and care and approval.

You are not as important as everyone else.

You are a failure.

You are ugly.

I was starting to feel frustrated, I knew I had come so far in being able to value myself and yet, here I was fighting all the old lies again. It felt like all of my work had been for nothing. A couple weeks ago, I talked about this for like 5 nights in a row with my Hunnie, working through the patterns and trying to figure out what was going on. And eventually we hit on something that really helped me to realize that my recent negative thought patterns are not because all my work has been fruitless, I’ve just had a relapse. A relapse that is understandable since I spent so much time in the past thinking of myself in that negative light. I've just fallen off the wagon of self-care and self respect so to speak.


So I’ve begun the process of self care once again, telling myself that I am worthy of care, even when I don’t feel like it. Making sure I get into the kitchen and eat each meal, and letting myself go take a shower at the end of the day. I actually went back and read the series I wrote on Mama Health when I was first starting to take this seriously, and began to implement those ideas again.


Instead of telling myself that I am a failure or that I can’t do anything right, I have started to ask myself what IS going well. And there is so much that is! We’ve moved to a new place, finances are going OK, our new schedules have been working fine, we are making friends and becoming part of a new community. All of the paperwork involved with moving back to our country of origin and claiming citizenship for our children born abroad has been resolved. We got phones, we got library cards, we got the car imported. And after filling out countless applications and going for several different interviews, I officially have a job now that is near bye, has flexible hours, and I feel very confident that I can succeed in.

Life is good. We are doing awesome. We are not failures.

I’ve started to ask what exactly makes ME feel happy, what gives me peace. Some of the things on the list are so simple. A house that is fairly clean, time spent with my children, time spent with my Hunnie. Creating good food, eating good food. Reading good books, listening to music. Taking the time to soak my feet or stop and smell some flowers. Getting outside, being creative, snatching those moments of quiet during my day. Why should I deny myself any of those things? Caring for myself benefits me and the people around me. It is worth it!

What are some of the ways you take the time to care for yourself?

When You Are Everything You Were Taught to Hate

A first time guest post written by my partner and spouse, Haley.

In the recent wake of North Carolina Amendment One to ban same-sex marriage; CNN had Tony Perkins the president of the Family Research Council, an evangelical think tank and political lobbyist group in Washington, D.C., on their show. The CNN host asked the 49-year-old father of five how he might handle one of his children being gay: “Well we would have a conversation about it,” answered the guest. “I doubt that would happen with my children as we are teaching them the right ways that they are to interact as human beings.”

I’ve got very bad news for Tony Perkins. I grew up the right way. My parents honestly could have been the poster people of American evangelicalism. Now of course since I’ve come out as a transgender woman, the whole crowd will suddenly dismiss their parenting, claim they made some mistake or whatever. But no really, how could I have a more perfect evangelical upbringing? I was the child of a pastor, and my first career was as a pastor. I was homeschooled, a favored method of education by many American evangelicals. I remember going to the Family Research Council with my dad on a trip to Washington, D.C., and hearing about a program for freshman college students on public policy. My mother was a devoted stay at home mom. She did so much to care for me and raise me “right.” Honestly, I feel very crappy at times about how rough it has been for my parents to have their child come out as a woman when they’ve done it all right from the evangelical vantage point. Now sadly they live in a world where the Tony Perkinses of evangelicalism will tell them somehow they didn’t do it right. Every myth about how transgender people come to exist is absent from my story, and yet I am a transgender woman. Having grown up in the evangelical milieu sucks because even though my parents did everything “right” I am still a transsexual. I exist and for no other reason than that I am a transwoman, I am now everything I was taught to hate by the evangelical movement in America.



I grew up in an environment where many groups of people were a threat to God, the Bible, morality, and the created order of things. (And I want it clearly understood that not all of these teachings were explicitly taught to me by my parents; rather, they were taught by a religious system with a lengthy history, and even if my parents supported these ideas they were not their own novel ideas.) Growing up evangelical, I got the clear impression that men were the god-given leaders in life and society and that women’s place was as quiet and submissive mothers of children who preferably stayed at home. Women who didn’t live out that script were “bad examples.” Growing up I realized that gay people were a group to be shunned and avoided. They had “unnatural desires” and should be kept away from children. I learned that Catholics worshipped images and saints rather than God. (But Catholics can flip that around against Protestants as heretics, etc.) I learned that atheists and agnostics were angry and unhappy people who had unresolved issues in their life and couldn’t be trusted. I learned that more liberal Protestants didn’t follow the Bible and that divorced people had major issues and character flaws. I found that people with mental health conditions were rarely treated as if they had a real health condition, usually the suspected source of their “disorder” (the word even in psychology grates on me to this day) was demonic influence, a sin issue in their life, or a chemical imbalance brought about by bad diet, undiagnosed allergies or willfully engaging in addictions (as if that’s really possible).

Transgender people got horrible reviews from the evangelical world. They were supposedly delusional, and mutilated their bodies. “Perverted” was the number one word I internalized about being transgender. From around age 11 when I read a story about Christine Jorgensen (one of America’s first open transsexuals) in a history book and thought “that’s me,” I knew that all that disparaging language about transpeople was referring to me, at least if I was honest about my feelings and came out. That really stunk. I feel really bad about how many gay and trans evangelical kids grow up hearing horrible lies about LGBT people and know that the conversation is about them and that they are being labeled “gross”, “abominations”, “wicked”, or “Sodomites.”



Growing up evangelical, I was raised to be male, evangelical, heterosexual, and happily married to one woman with children. But no matter how much evangelical cultural pressure and “right” environment, I am female, free thinking, bisexual, and still happily married but in a lesbian marriage. I do have children, but from the vantage point of my religious heritage, I am now corrupting my kids and it would be better to the minds of most evangelicals that I didn’t have them so that they wouldn’t keep witnessing “my sin.” And the fact that gender dysphoria is a mental health condition on the books creates the specter that I am under demonic attack, or some unhealthy obsession and (once again) “sin issues”. Evangelicalism as a movement and thought pattern hits a brick wall with people like me. We are everything that the religious movement has spent so much energy trying to stamp out. We are the personification of everything wrong with a “godless age.” I feel bad for evangelical friends and family. I truly am everything their religious system taught them to hate or the very least get angry about. Many evangelicals seem to think that by coming out I am rejecting them, even though I am simply choosing to stop living in fear of beliefs that are just plain wrong. I did not choose to be transgender. But not accepting my identity was killing me. Now that I have accepted it my life has become more fulfilling. I actually want to wake up in the morning while for years the untreated gender dysphoria made facing each day a struggle.



I didn’t have a choice about whether or not I am transgender. Sane rational people don’t choose to become everything they were raised to hate. Receiving mental health care for transition confirms what I already suspected: other than being transgender and a history of gender-related depression I have no other mental health conditions. I am a sane person. Sane people don’t choose to be something which consistently creates very negative reactions in most of their evangelical friends, family, and acquaintances. Who wants their community of origin to think they are profoundly disordered or dangerous? Even if people want to believe transgender people are crazy (gay people were crazy until 1973 according to the APA), why be mean to a crazy person? Crazy people can’t help being crazy can they? Isn’t that the definition of crazy? No, the evangelical world wants to pretend we are a moral outrage against God and force us to “change”, because we aren’t crazy. LGBT people are a part of the diversity of the world. We have always been, and we will exist as long as humanity persists. And that truth demonstrates just how harmful evangelical teachings are about LGBT people. Evangelicalism in America has set itself up against a whole class of persons whose existence just is. I am transgender and no amount of discrimination, mistreatment, and demonization by the evangelical community is going to change that.



Being everything your cultural upbringing taught you to hate is a weird experience. My existence demonstrates the painful prejudices of the evangelical attitude towards many different groups of people as quickly as a mixed race marriage or a mixed race child exposes a racist. Every evangelical is vulnerable in their attitude toward virtually everyone who isn’t them. This world is a diverse place. We aren’t all born alike. And while parents may be able to superficially control their child's appearance on the outside for a time, they are not able to control of who their children really are.

The evangelical cultural and political movement needs to come to grips with their unresolved “hate” issues. Tony Perkins may think teaching his kids the “right” way will make his family immune from kids turning out gay or transgender, but he’s wrong. Tony and all evangelicals need to figure out how to understand their doctrines in a way that no longer manifests hate just like they’ve started doing about hateful behavior regarding divorce, racial attitudes, and women. And for those evangelicals who say they don’t hate but rather simply disagree, they are refusing to accept how their behavior affects LGBT persons. If hate is the absence of love, how is persistent lobbying by evangelical churches and leaders in the political arena (which over and over again denies LGBT people civil rights and equality under the law) anything close to love? Talk to LGBT children of evangelicals, the moment they come out and be honest about who they are most evangelical families and communities distance themselves from them. Many Queer people aren’t invited to their own family’s weddings, baptisms, and funerals - how is that love? When LGBT persons call the treatment they receive from evangelicals in all avenues of life “hate,” what else are they supposed to call it? They certainly haven’t been feeling the love when Billy Graham takes out ads to take away their rights and make their life harder. They aren’t feeling love when they are excluded from their extended family events because they make people “uncomfortable.”



Evangelicalism can’t have a happy future waiting for it if it can’t change. How many more parents need to raise their children while being afraid that they are not teaching them all the “right ways” and therefore find their identity as parents threatened when a child turns out gay, loses faith, or has anything happen that is off the evangelical script? The fear of raising kids “right” is a huge burden for evangelical parents. How many more kids have to grow up fearing that they are everything they have been taught to hate? How many more families will be torn up over things that were never under the control of parents or their children to begin with? This nightmare lie of raising kids “right” needs to stop! No one should grow up and discover that they are everything they were taught to hate.

Weaning my Tandem Nursed Toddler

Welcome to the Carnival of Weaning: Weaning - Your Stories
This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Weaning hosted by Code Name: Mama and Aha! Parenting. Our participants have shared stories, tips, and struggles about the end of the breastfeeding relationship.

 
 
 
My third baby is 32 months old, and she was weaned this last month. Sometimes I feel sad when I think about it, she has always been a super sweet little baby, and loves to snuggle. There was something special about her still being able to get instant comfort from her mama whenever her day was going badly. I nursed her all the way through my fourth pregnancy, and tandem nursed her and her brother for a year. This is the longest I have ever nursed, and I had planned on letting her decide when she was done nursing. But in April of 2012, I made the decision to start encouraging weaning.

Ms Pooky has always been a picky eater, and at 2 ½ she would still request to nurse several times during the day and woke up twice every night to nurse. It was starting to wear on me. Her nursing was more intense than her brothers, it seemed like she could suck harder, and sometimes her teeth hurt a little too. And she didn’t just want a little snack, she wanted to nurse for 20 minutes or so. I had really enjoyed being able to nurse both my babies, but I had noticed in the last few months a difference in how I was feeling towards my older nursling.

I was starting to avoid being around her, almost subconsciously, afraid that she would want to nurse. Sometimes I wanted to cry while she was nursing, not because it hurt exactly, but because I felt so touched out I could hardly stand it. While she nursed I felt like I was gritting my teeth and waiting until she rolled off my lap and ran away. I found myself doing everything I could to detach my mind from the process until it was over. I still had those moments when she was sad and her request for “umdoo” made everything better, and I loved that. But those moments were few and far between, and I was becoming more and more distressed by the whole thing. I tried to shorten the amount of time I allowed her to nurse, trying to break it off in about 5 minutes instead, and she co-operated pretty well. But it didn’t help me much, and it seemed to increase the amount of times she requested to nurse during the day and night. I found myself really wanting to wean her, but worried that she would take it as rejection since her baby brother was still nursing.

I tried to soldier ahead, hoping that things would settle down on their own, but I was getting more and more frustrated and my relationship with Ms Pooky was suffering, to the point that my spouse noticed I was unhappy and she asked me what was going on. I broke down crying and explained how I felt that weaning was impossible, but that I really needed to stop nursing so that my relationship with Ms Pooky could recover, I hadn’t even realized how overwhelming the whole thing had become for me until we began talking about it. I had really enjoyed tandem nursing, and extended nursing, but I wasn’t enjoying it anymore.

So together, we came up with a plan, and the next day we went to the store and bought an assortment of everything Ms Pooky had ever liked eating. I even let her pick things off the shelf. We bought fresh strawberries and animal crackers and cheese sticks. We bought chips and salsa and granola bars, and since she had never liked cows milk, we picked up some soy milk and vanilla almond milk, to see if she would drink either of those. As walked out the door with a cart full of snacks I was feeling more hopeful, maybe weaning was possible.

I started that same day. When she crawled into my lap I stood up and walked around while I snuggled with her, I found when I was standing she was far less likely to request to nurse, and we could still snuggle. When she did request “umdoo” I would ask if she was hungry and carry her to the kitchen and we would search for a snack which she found very exciting. The daytime nursings turned out to be incredibly easy to eliminate, she was thrilled to have a special toddler friendly snack on request, and seemed to forget all about nursing. I tried to nurse her brother when she wasn’t around or take him into the bedroom so she wouldn’t notice. I knew the most difficult hurdle would be bedtime, she was used to nursing before going to sleep.

At bedtime I filled her bottle with the almond milk that she seemed to like, and we did our usual bedtime routine. She went to bed just fine and giggled and played quietly with her sisters as usual. About half an hour after bed she called me from the bedroom, requesting her usual “umdoo”. I went to her and walked around the hallway snuggling and talking together. I suggested that we go to the kitchen and find a top secret snack and she chose two strawberries and took them into bed with her smiling ear to ear. I tucked her in and left her munching her strawberries. And she went to sleep!

She woke up to nurse in the night as usual, and I complied, but it was easier for me emotionally since she hadn’t been nursing all day long. So for the next two weeks, we continued that same pattern, lots of walking and snuggling, snacks periodically, and sometimes a special snack in bed. She was still nursing once or twice in the middle of the night. She was doing really well, and I noticed my relationship to her improving right away. I was reading books with her and cuddling and goofing around instead of avoiding her in hopes that she wouldn’t ask to nurse. I no longer had that anxiety that had been creeping into the parenting of my toddler in the last few months.

We had a few rough spots. The most painful moments of weaning were the handful of times she was very tired and asked to nurse and when I tried to re-direct and she burst into tears and said “(Baby brother) gets umdoo and I don’t!” I wanted to cry too, I felt so guilty for denying her. I hugged her and talked about how much I loved her and how special she was and all the things she could do now that she was getting so big and we made it through. Sometimes she felt better if she could have her bottle of juice or milk in my lap while I rocked her and sang “her song” to her. I was surprised by how well she handled life without the magic cure-all nursing had been for her so long. She seemed to be doing just fine with lots of snuggling, singing, and reading books together.

After a few weeks, she stopped asking to nurse during the day or at bedtime, and even her bedtime snack was able to be shifted to before teeth brushing.  She is eating more at mealtimes and snack times during the day, and waking less during the night. I still nurse her here and there in the middle of the night if she wakes up and asks for it, but she is sleeping better and better at night, and those middle of the night nursings are happening less and less. She is still the same snuggly, happy-go-lucky baby who exclaims “I wuv you!” and often tells me “you my best fend”. I’m very happy I was able to nurse her for as long as I did, and I’m happy to have made the choice to wean her gently when it was right for me.

 
 
Thank you for visiting the Carnival of Weaning hosted by Dionna at Code Name: Mama and Dr. Laura at Aha! Parenting.

• On Breastfeeding, Weaning, and One Mother’s Identity — Jessica at Natural Parents Network has been nursing one or more of her children since 1993 - breastfeeding is wrapped up in her concept of mothering and herself. She shares her thoughts on weaning.
• two tales of weaning — Aspen at Aspen Mama writes about their countdown to wean.
• Wean Me Gently — Tam at Please Send Parenting Books shares a beautiful weaning ceremony.
• You say potato, I say bleeeuuuuch... — Anelie at Mindcradle had read the books and knew just how to introduce her baby son to solids—unfortunately, he had other ideas.
• A Post Called Weaning — (Not) Maud at Awfully Chipper writes about how weaning her son took longer than she expected.
• On Weaning, Pregnancy and Emotion — Shannon at The Artful Mama talks about her mixed emotions as she allows her son, Little Man, to guide her through his weaning process.
• half of her life — Staci at Springpatch Jam looks back on her nursing relationship with her first born.
• Is it just this After Forty Mom or is it harder to wean when its your last? — Amanda of After Forty Mom shares her emotional journey towards the impending self-weaning of her toddler daughter.
• Nursing Limits — Jorje of Momma Jorje shares how she has weaned her toddler down to minimal nursing and her guilt about the decision to do so.
• Weaning Video Series #1: Preparation for the Weaning Process — Why is weaning such a taboo topic? Dionna at Code Name: Mama got mamas from across the blogosphere to start talking about weaning - on video. Come check out the first video in a series of five that she'll be posting this week.
• Weaning due to anxiety — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about how she had to wean to preserve her mental health.
• When Will I Wean? A Guest Post — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama hosts a guest post from a mama who contemplates when her breastfeeding relationship will end.
• On His Own Terms — Momeeezen shares her heartbreak from when her son weaned much earlier than she anticipated.
• Our Weaning Story - Sudden, Surprised, and Embracing a New Season — Weaning doesn't always go how we imagine. That Mama Gretchen shares the story of her daughter's sudden weaning and how she has embraced this new season of motherhood.
• A Tale of Two Weanings — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares the similarities and differences of how her nursing relationships with her now six-year-old and four-year-old daughters came to a close.
• She Doesn't Remember — Alicia at Lactation Narration finds that her 6 year old no longer remembers nursing, only one year after weaning.
• It's The End of the World As We Know It — A story about the end of a tandem nursing relationship on Never Mind The Rain: A toddler moves on to a new phase in her life before mom is fully ready.
• A Natural End To Our Breastfeeding Relationship — With two self-weaning children, Jennifer at Our Muddy Boots does not know when the end will come, but that it will be natural and without regrets.
• Child-Led weaning: It's Not Extreme; It's Biological — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children explains why child-led weaning is based on biology rather than social constraints.
• 6 Years of Natural Weaning in 5 Steps — Jess at miniMum shares how and why she let her first child stop when he was good and ready.
• Is This Weaning?: A Tandem Nursing Update — Sheila at A Living Family bares all her tandem nursing hopes and fears during what feels like the beginning of the end for her toddler nursing relationship.
• Memories of Weaning: Unique and Gentle — Cynthia at The Hippie Housewife shares her weaning experiences with her two sons, each one unique in how it happened and yet equally gentle in its approach.
• Weaning Aversion' — Gentle Mama Moon shares her experience of nursing and unplanned weaning due to pregnancy-induced 'feeding aversion'.
• Three Months Post-Mup: An Evolution of Thoughts On Weaning — cd at FidgetFace describes a brief look at her planned (but accelerated) weaning, as well as one mamma's evolution on weaning (and extended nursing)
• Weaning my Tandem Nursed Toddler — After tandem nursing for a year, Melissa at Permission to Live felt like weaning her older child would be impossible, but now she shares how gentle weaning worked for her 2 1/2 year old.
• Every Journey Begins with One Step — As Hannabert begins the weaning process, Hannah at Hannah and Horn's super power is diminishing.
• Reflections on Weaning - Love Changes Form — Amy from Presence Parenting (guest posting at Dulce de Leche) shares her experience and approach of embracing weaning as a continual process in parenting, not just breastfeeding.
• Weaning Gently: Three Special Ideas for Success — MudpieMama shares three ideas that help make weaning a gentle and special journey.
• Guest Post: Carnival of Weaning — Emily shares her first weaning experience and her hopes for her second nursling in a guest post on Farmer's Daughter.
• 12 Tips for Gentle Weaning — Dr. Laura at Aha! Parenting describes the process of gentle weaning and gives specific tips to make weaning an organic, joyful ripening.
• Quiz: Should You Wean for Fertility Treatments? — Paige at Baby Dust Diaries talks about the key issues in the difficult decision to wean for infertility treatments.
• I thought about weaning... — Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World shares her story of how she thought about weaning several times, yet it still happened on its own timeline.
• Celebrating Weaning — Amy at Anktangle reflects on her thoughts and feelings about weaning, and she shares a quick tutorial for one of the ways she celebrated this transition with her son: through a story book with photographs!
• Naturally Weaning Twins — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings discusses the gradual path to weaning she has taken with her preschool-aged twins.
• Gentle Weaning Means Knowing When to Stop — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl writes about knowing when your child is not ready to wean and taking their feelings into account in the process.
• Weaning, UnWeaning, and ReWeaning — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy discovers non-mutal weaning doesn't have to be the end. You can have a do-over.
• Prelude to weaning — Lauren at Hobo Mama talks about a tough tandem nursing period and what path she would like to encourage her older nursling to take.
• Demands of a Nursing Kind — Amy Willa at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work shares her conflicted feelings about nursing limits and explores different ways to achieve comfort, peace, and bodily integrity as a nursing mother.
• Breastfeeding: If there's one thing I know for sure... — Wendy at ABCs and Garden Peas explores the question: How do you know when it's time to wean?
• Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Two, Three? — Zoie at TouchstoneZ discusses going from 3 nurslings down to 1 and what might happen when her twins arrive.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants (and many thanks to Joni Rae of Tales of a Kitchen Witch for designing our lovely button):

Random Blurbs

I have lots of posts in the works, and some that are ready to post next week, including a post on weaning and a first time ever guest post from my Hunnie. I am also hoping to get back to my ongoing Gentle Discipline series. But for now I decided to end a light week with a little post of the odds and ends that don’t quite make up an entire blog post on their own.



Public Transit

We’ve been cutting down on the use of our car to save gas. My Hunnie has been walking to school every day and I tried out the bus for the first time. I almost fell over when the bus driver floored it before I put my money in the box. In fact that whole first ride was confusing, the driver was a woman on a mission and she barreled down the road without announcing any of the stops. And because I didn’t know what transfer cards were, I ended up paying again when I switched buses. The bus I took home was much better, the bus driver announced every intersection shortly before we reached it, so I felt like I could sit back and enjoy the ride instead of wondering where the heck I was and when I was supposed to get off. Plus watching all the different people get on and off the bus is fascinating. I’ve decided I really like the bus.


Ants

We have a minor ant problem. I noticed that tiny little ants would magically appear in my kitchen if there were crumbs on the floor, but after I got a little more intentional about sweeping, I thought the problem was solved. Then they started showing up in the bathroom, tiny little ants and big ones with wings. I noticed a few ants on the floor and thought that maybe a kid had left some food in the bathroom, so I cleaned the floor. But like an hour later I came back into the bathroom and it looked something like this.

OK, maybe not that bad. But bad enough to send me running to Wal-mart for ant bait and spray.


Going places with a horde

Sometimes taking lots of small children places is like witnessing an invasion. We ran to the library last night and Ms Action immediately picked out five princess book and Ms Drama picked out several books herself. Ms Pooky’s main interest was grabbing books to place under the self-check out to hear the beep. No matter how many times I let her check a book out, she would run to any shelf to grab another book and try to scan it too. And then she spent several minutes trying to scan her Thomas the train toy that she’d brought along. Meanwhile Baby Boy (whom I still haven’t picked a nick-name for) tried to hide underneath the table behind the recycling bin. Also, Ms Pooky has absolutely zero concept of “inside voice”, everything she says is repeated several times at top volume! So far, I think her cuteness trumps any irritation she may cause, at least no seemed to mind her bellowing the theme from Bob the Builder at the top of her lungs.

What love looks like

Since moving we’ve made contact with a local food distributor run by volunteers. They collect food donations, and then pack monthly boxes to give to people who need them. Our particular box (for young families) usually has cereal, canned goods, and milk and juice. They also have boxes for seniors. And many times they have extras, like perishable goods and donuts or cheese. The kids are always boiling with excitement as we pull up to the building, wondering what kind of treat they might get this time. Both my Hunnie and I have been so moved by the sweet volunteers. There is no stigma or judgment from them, just happiness in being able to bless us. They smile, ask the kids what they would like to try and help us carry the food to the car. The gentle enthusiasm of the volunteers is worth just as much as the food. It just reminds me of what love looks like, and inspires me to show more love to everyone I encounter.

Kids and Chores

I am trying to come up with ways to encourage the kids to help with household chores. I am not too hot on individual responsibilities, except ones that involve taking care of themselves, such as brushing their teeth or putting their own shoes away. But I feel like making a child responsible to keep an entire room clean by themselves only turns into a dreaded chore and a battle of wills. I have no interest in forcing my kids to clean my house. However, I would like to make many of the chores around the house a group effort for several reasons. I want the kids to feel like they contribute, and I want them to eventually know how to take care of each aspect of household chores themselves when they are adults. How do you go about including your kids in regular household maintenance and chores?

Guest Post: Pray Together or Stay Together

 “So you were a Christian when you married him, and now you’re not sure?”

We were sitting outside our classroom, chatting during our break. My new friend had been asking me for marriage advice, and now things were going suddenly wrong. I shrugged off her accusatory tone and pressed on.

“Yes” I replied, “It’s been hard, but it’s also been a growing experience.

We’ve learned a lot about each other and about…”

She interrupted me.

“So you basically pretended to be a Christian for just long enough to get a good guy

and then immediately gave up your faith?”

I think I should have gotten angry, but instead I just felt sick.

“Of course not! I would never have chosen to add so much pain to my life.”

“How can you support him as a Godly man if you refuse to be a Godly woman?”

“I…”

“Oh my gosh, I would never do that. Sorry if this is forward,

but I honestly just think you’re a really selfish person.”

She grilled me with more questions, made sure I knew how disgusted she was, and eventually just got up and left. I sat through the last hour of class clenching my fists to keep my hands from shaking. By the time the teacher let us go I was a wreck.

My husband and I had been married for less than a year when my faith began to fall apart. My doubts started with emotional pain, and slowly turned into insurmountable questions. At first, my husband didn’t understand what was happening. He would get frustrated and combative with me when we talked about religion, or he would get sad and shut down. But my husband and I are absolutely committed to good communication, so it wasn’t long before we learned how to navigate our new differences. He learned to be gentler in the way he expressed his opinions, and I learned not to project my frustration with the Church onto him.

Just like any marriage, mine has ups and downs, struggles and victories.

And yet, people continue to assume that my marriage is falling apart at the seams, because I am no longer a professing Christian. I used to feel that way too. I was taught that having common beliefs was absolutely fundamental to a healthy marriage. “The family that prays together stays together!” If someone’s marriage “failed” it was because one or both of them weren’t Christian enough. I was scared at first, afraid that my questions were slowly but surely pulling us apart and ruining our beautiful relationship. But it’s been well over a year now, and we are only getting closer and stronger. I have learned that I’ve always loved him, not for praying before dinner, but for helping me clean the kitchen afterwards. I’ve loved him, not for Sunday morning church, but for Saturday morning cartoons, in our pajamas, eating captain crunch. I’ve loved him, not for his unshakable faith, but for his sincerity and passion.

Our marriage gets stronger every day. Not because we are committed to God, but because we are committed to each other. No matter how religious you are, marriage is not easy. My husband’s faith gives him peace and strength, but it doesn’t grant him superpowers, it doesn’t replace commitment and effort. Marriage still requires us both to make sacrifices, to stay up late and talk out the problem, to be painfully honest and vulnerable. All the hard work and communication pays off. Last night as I drifted off to sleep I marveled at how incredibly connected my husband and I are. We know each other’s hearts on a deeper level than ever before. Our strengths far outweigh our weaknesses and our joys outweigh our troubles. If we continue to communicate and grow like this, there is nothing that could come between us, nothing that could shake us enough for our marriage to “fail.”

So am I a selfish person? Am I giving up on my marriage by questioning my faith? I don’t think so, and my husband doesn’t either. I suppose I could have forced myself to participate in my husband’s faith. I could have caved to my fears and chose to ignore the pain and confusion in my heart.

But I would have been lying.

I don’t know about you, but I would rather share my honest but inconvenient heart with my spouse than an insincere but convenient faith.

This guest post is written by my sister Sarah, who formerly blogged at Enigma: My Journey of Self-Discovery. You can find her on facebook to keep up with her blogging in the future.

Christianity and the LGBTQ Community

Since the publication of our coming out series, I have received many many emails and comments. They have ranged from people with similar experiences, to people who affirm LGBTQ persons and consider themselves allies, to people who cannot reconcile their faith with LGBTQ persons but are still accepting and compassionate. The other day I got my first email in a while that was judgmental and presumptive.

She said things like how I am rejecting god’s truth, and taking the easy path of the world, speculated about why I stayed in my marriage, discredited every question I had ever asked about faith in my writing because she now knows the whole story and therefore knows what I was truly thinking and feeling when I wrote, and ended by saying that she will quit reading my blog because I lack integrity.

It’s nothing I haven’t heard before, but I found myself feeling pretty cynical about Christianity as the morning progressed. People who tell me they have all the answers and that they know exactly what god has to say about my life and judge the entire person based on one aspect of that person start to grate on me at some point.

Even though I do not consider myself to be a Christian, I have many good friends who are, and one of them linked a post written by a Christian on LGBTQ rights, and I was reminded again that not every Christian is like the ones that send me nasty emails and comments. As the day went on I found more and more posts written by Christians in the wake of the first amendment vote in North Carolina, and so I go the idea for this post. I’ve collected many articles written by Christians on how they approach LGBTQ issues and rights from the perspective of their faith. Not all of them are affirming, but all of them are accepting. I hope that this post can serve as a useful resource for people of faith who are asking questions about how to relate to the LGBTQ persons in their life, or as a reminder to all LGBTQ persons that we are not abominations in the eyes of every person of faith.

There are 3 views that Christians seem to have towards LGBTQ persons.

1. God is fine with people who are LGBTQ and their relationships.

2. LGBTQ persons do not choose to feel the way they do. God requires them to live a life of celibacy and continue to fight against their understanding of themselves.

3. There is no such thing as a gay Christian. LGBTQ persons are choosing to feel the way they do and God is angry about it and will punish them in this life and the next.

Obviously I am not including anything from view 3. You will find some from view 2 though. These are people of faith who are asking questions, trying to accept and love all the people in their life, and who recognize that there is a difference between religious belief and government law. I have tried to steer clear of prescriptive or presumptive materials, and I feel like this is a good representation of the accepting, (affirming and non-affirming) Christian community.

Articles by Christians

Originally I planned on distinguishing between the LGBTQ affirming articles and posts from non-LGBTQ affirming articles and posts. But as I was linking these I found that it was hard for me to tell the difference sometimes, so I've linked them all together, they are all worth the read!

Trumped a beautiful post by Bethany at Coffee-Stained Clarity, talks about how our story affected her and how love matters most.


Justin from Crumbs at the Communion Table issues a Challenge to both sides of the Amendment One debate.

Glennon at Momastery talks about A Mountain she's Willing to Die On, on what it would mean to her if one of her children were gay.

Rachel Held Evans made me cry with her post "How to Win a Culture War and Lose a Generation".


Rachel at The Incorrigible Gingers asks if the Fight against Gay marriage undermines adoption.


Suzannah Paul at So Much Shouting So Much Laughter writes about how language has limits and half-truths can hurt in her post "Homosexuality is(n't) a Sin"

Sarah Bessey is an Evangelical Christian, and explains why she thinks that same-sex marriage should be legal.

Blueberries for Me talks about how she supports Gay rights because she is a practicing Catholic, not in spite of that fact.

Lauren talks about how we are taught to fear the LGBTQ community in We Are Abominations.

Brooke Hammel at From Under His Feathers has a powerful post about how Amendment One is against what she believes as a Bible believing Christian.

Richard Beck asks how we can end the Non-Zero-Sum Conversation Between the Traditional Church and the Gay Community and start a real conversation.



Thought provoking posts that aren't necessarily christian:


Dan at Single Dad Laughing is not a Christian, but he wrote this post "I'm Christian unless you're Gay" which prompted the responses (Responses 1, Responses 2, Children home again response, Men in Uniform respond, Daughter home at last response, A teenagers response.) of many Christians as they thought through what their actions say about their faith. I think the original post as well as the responses are well worth the read, as people from all perspectives wrestle with what it means to love and accept someone even when they don't agree.

Jason Littman at the Huffington Post points out that hateful treatment can go both ways and makes the point that we should respect everyone in "Can We Leave the Ex-Gays Alone?"

And Mikko Alanne also at the Huffington Post, asks Conservative Christian to put themselves into a Queer persons shoes for a minute.



Websites on this topic:


Canyonwalker Connections - A Straight Evangelical Woman writes about her journey to becoming affirming of the LGBTQ community and her continued work as a Christian Ally.


Lesbian Gay Bisexual & Transgender Alumni of Bob Jones University - This blog is filled with stories of what it's like to know you are LGBTQ while being raised in a non-accepting environment.


The Gay Christian Network - Resources and Questions on the long-time debate between views 1 & 2.

Catholic, Gay, and Feeling Fine - A Catholic blogs about how he lives in full-communion with the Catholic Church as a celibate Gay Man. 

Crumbs from the Communion Table - A blog written by Gay Christian Man about faith and the Christian church. He also wrote this post at Rachel Held Evans Blog answering many questions about being Christian and Gay.

I also wanted to include 2 films that may interest you: Through My Eyes and For the Bible Tells Me So

Enjoy, be encouraged, and share!

A big thanks to Jessica at Faith Permeating Life for her resource page,

it helped me find a couple of older posts I was looking for but had saved on my old computer.

Seriously, You want to make this Soup

If this were one of my usual posts, I’d explain that it was one of those days. I had to bundle up all the kids into the car, drive to a building I’ve never seen before, find a parking spot in the city, feed the meter and pull a wagon with 2 kids in it for 6 blocks, wait in line with all 4 kids with only fruit snacks to distract them, navigate the public bathroom with all of them alone, run back to the car before the meter ran out, drive to our next destination in the rain, drive home, lug a sleeping baby, a crabby toddler and several large bags and boxes out of the car and into the house through the pouring rain.

So after that, we just had a couple fun snacks, and lounged around the house, and at 4:30 I realized I had nothing planned for dinner. So I decided to make an easy, tasty, warm you up recipe. And it’s pretty fast too, even though the meat was still frozen and I had to boil it real quick while I was getting everything else ready, and the preschoolers insisted on slicing the celery for me (and taking an incredible amount of time doing it), this meal was still ready to eat in less than an hour. So you should try it.

Also, I've been told by people that don't normally like the flavour of curry that this soup is still good. It doesn't have a heavy curry taste, I think it is added more for the heat.




Curried Chicken Corn Chowder



2 medium Onions chopped (It’s super yummy if you make one of these onions a Vidalia)

4 Celery ribs, sliced.

2 Tablespoons Butter



45-50 oz. of Chicken broth (depending on what size containers you buy)

3 White unpeeled Potatoes, grated.



3 teaspoons Curry powder

2 16 oz bags, frozen Corn

½ teaspoon freshly ground Black pepper

Several dashes of Hot Chili powder or Cayenne pepper (I like mine spicy, so I tend to add more than a few dashes)



3 cups Milk

½ cup Flour

3 cups cubed cooked Chicken breast





In a large pot, sauté the onions and celery in butter until tender.

Stir in broth and grated potatoes and simmer for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Add Curry, Corn, Pepper, and Hot chili powder or Cayenne pepper. Reduce heat and cover, simmer for 10 more minutes.

In a bowl, whisk the flour and milk together and then whisk into the soup pot and add the chicken. Bring to a boil and cook and stir for 5 minutes and let it warm and thicken.

Serve right away, although I will add that this soup tastes great cold as well.



This recipe makes a large pot full, because I like to have easy leftover for another dinner or a couple of lunches. And after you taste it, you’ll see why. This soup is perfect for a cold rainy day.